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Will You Remember Me?

Life is never easy,
but I do the best I can.
I make it up as I go along,
singing my own song.

I wish to rise above,
and leave all the pain behind.
The scars I wear,
always there to remind.

I must keep searching for the stars.
They seem so far out of reach.
Underneath all the clothes,
we all wear some ugly scars.

My existence, at times, unjust.
Memories and reality,
rarely one in the same.
Difficult to differentiate through all the unsettled dust.

Sometimes I feel lost,
in a universe so vast.
I must move forward,
leaving behind yesterday’s passed.

With everything I’ve done,
and everywhere I’ve been,
I can’t help, but to think
about what might have been.

All of my baggage,
to be left behind,
will enhance my awareness
of all that is kind.

My existence will one day matter.
I’ll find my purpose.
I’ll rid myself
of all the negative, internal chatter.

My journey, thus far,
a part of the master plan.
All life’s trials and tribulations,
making me who I am.

The world is, but a stage.
We’re all a part of the cast.
We’re all connected.
Life, too short to dwell on the past.

Everyday’s a battle,
like a soldier at war.
I must fight to keep the peace,
to even the score.

I may be sick,
yet, I still feel hope.
I’m not really sure,
how I  manage to cope.

I cannot control my thoughts,
but I control what I do with them.
Some, best left inside.
So many, I cannot hide.

I know I serve a purpose.
I will not die in vain.
Long after I’m gone,
will you remember my name?

Each day when I open my eyes,
I’m well aware,
I’m one step closer
to meeting my own demise.

Every day I struggle.
I look.
I listen.
There are no instructions tucked safely inside a book.

I fall.
I get back up.
I run. I crawl.
I read the writing on the wall.

When my work here is done,
and long after I’m gone,
I hope you won’t forget me,
but know that I am free.

Will I have made a difference?
Will I have touched a life?
Will I have done something worthwhile?
Will you remember my smile?

I want to have inspired you.
I want to leave my footprints in the sand.
I want to know that place of peace,
where we all walk hand in hand.

My Disease

Another rough night.
Will I ever catch a break?
I sliver across the floor,
like a venomous snake.

So tired, so little sleep.
A nasty “Super Bug,”
invading my space.
I’m afraid, this time, I’m in way too deep!

Surgery fourteen, under my belt.
Number fifteen will be scheduled soon.
Every night before I sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.

I believe, I’ve swallowed
more than my fair share.
Why is it,
that life has to be so unfair?

I don’t dare make plans,
as I’m sure I’ll let you down.
Already invisible to quite a few.
If you have to even to wonder, it’s probably you!

I wouldn’t wish my existence upon anyone.
I just wish I could make you understand.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
All I need is a helping hand.

Don’t even bother calling me,
as you already know, I’m sick.
I still have my mind.
I’m just a little behind!

My body may be broken,
but my spirit’s very much alive.
It’s been so long,
since we’ve last spoken.

I can still communicate.
My heart, it still beats!
I have two eyes that still see.
Why are you avoiding me?

Inside out,
and upside down,
most days I feel,
Id rather drown.

A picture frame,
around the hole in the wall.
It’s been so long,
I don’t remember your name.

There are no more white picket fences.
No gardens out back.
All the, once pretty, flowers,
are, now, all black!

Deep inside,
all I feel is pain.
Burning, as my spirit melts.
It pours from the sky, like acid rain.

The sun no longer shines.
No moon to light the night.
Deep within, the enemy rages on,
always provoking such a viscous fight.

I’ve been paying the price
for way too long.
But, left inside me,
there’s another song!

I see my shadow,
as it dances down the hall.
I am the music,
vibrating off the wall!

Always striving to please.
I give, you take.
You are sick!
You’re my disease!

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
Kick me, again,
if you absolutely must!


This is one of the BEST songs, EVER!!!! Originally by Janis Joplin
Nicely done, PINK!

Night Terror

With my eyes closed, I try to sleep.
Pins and needles, stabbing as they begin their dance
upon my bare and itching arms.
Moving quickly to include my legs,
atop my skin, like “bugs,” they begin to prance!

“Creeping” and “digging,”
severe is the burn!
Complicated and complex, maybe I am,
but where in the hell is there any concern?

Keeping me awake all night,
as everyone else around me dreams.
Ice packs, ointments, and different pills,
not enough to silence my screams!

Thrashing about,
now my neck is out!
why is this happening?
This is not “normal,”
I have no doubt.

My doctor’s clueless, telling me how sorry they are.
With no answers to offer,
I’m sent on my way.
Leaving me with yet, another invisible scar.

It’s happening more often now.
Almost nightly, it comes on fast.
Spreading like “wild fire,”
as I’m being harassed!

Almost 7 hours of this hell,
last night………..
There is no relief.
I’m left in utter disbelief!

What I’m experiencing,
indescribable, really.
Feeling as if on fire,
I can’t keep doing this.
The alternative, dire!

My EMG, normal,
or so I’m told.
No nerve damage, no neuropathy.
Once again, all alone and left out in the cold.

I know I’m not the only one with this affliction.
I wish someone would read this and bring me some hope.
I don’t know where else to turn.
I’m afraid of what I might do if I’m left with this friction.

The slightest itch makes my anxiety soar.
I try to be mindful and to keep calm.
I meditate,
but last night I was too late!

Meditation impossible?
What am I to do?
I can’t sit still,
and neither could you!

Out of desperation, more medication I take.
I know of nothing else to do.
When all of my efforts fail,
I tend to derail!

How many doctor’s must I attain?
Primary care, GI, neurologist, opthamologist, OB/GYN,
urologist, cardiologist, hematologist, orthopedist, pulmonologist,
rheumatologist, psychologist, ENT, and dentist, too.
No pun intended, but what a pain!

What’s left?
Where do I go from here?
As nightfall is imminent,
I begin to fear!

The anxiety building,
I feel it in my chest.
To stay upon the path,
I’m doing my best……………..

Please help!

I Am The Doormat

You wanted it, I gave.
You needed it, it was yours for the taking.
I believed in you.
My heart, now aching.

What I had to give,
and everything you took,
may not have been much, but it was mine!
One day I’ll be gone, and you’ll all be fine.

How selfish of you.
You’ve even gone as far as to steal my already dying soul.
Stripping me of anything and everything I’ve ever had.
Life for me, a short-lived fad.

Knock me down,
stomp on me, just a little more.
Finish me off,
to even the score.

Go ahead and stick that dagger of yours,
straight into my barely, beating heart.
Chew me up, and spit me out.
Finish me off, so I can depart!

I’ve been losing, forever.
I give up, you win!
I can no longer fight,
I no longer feel your vicious bite!

I am the doormat that you step on every day.
Never complaining,
I allowed you to smear the blood, upon the bottom of your shoes, all over my invisible face.
Your foot print, permanently, staining

You wonder why, I’m not okay.
I used to have feelings until you took them away.
I’m now so numb.
Nothing left inside for you to prey.

I gave and gave.
All you ever did was take.
Soon, I’ll be gone.
I can’t take ALL the “fake!”

No longer will you be taking advantage of me.
Drained of my very last drop of blood,
I’m now drowning in my own tears.
All my fears, drifting away in the raging, red flood.

For way too long, you’ve hushed my almost silent cries.
Behind closed doors, smothering me.
You can, now, leave me the fuck alone,
so I can soar to my, forever, home!

You may have broken my wings.
You may have silenced me,
and kicked me around,
but deep within, my heart still sings!

My body may be battered.
My body may be bruised.
My soul no longer visible, look deep into my eyes.
Ever fiber of my being, destroyed and abused.

Taking away my right to die in peace.
Down on the floor,
all bloody and beat.
Thank you all,
for making me feel so fucking incomplete!

You didn’t have to rob me.
I trusted. I believed.
Raped of my independence.
Now, left with nothing, set me free!

Barely able to move,
the pain so intense.
You ask what’s wrong,
then jump to YOUR own defense!

Picked apart, piece by piece.
Skinning me alive!
Now, all that’s left
is that sweet release!

No need for you to freak!
You’ve always gotten everything you ever wanted.
I’m unable to even whisper what it is I need.
You’ve taken my voice, no longer able to speak.

For I am the doormat, always beneath your feet,
the feet that I’ve been kicked with for way too long.
Left with nothing, and ever so weak.
So out of place, I no longer belong.

I wear my scars upon my sleeve.
What you now see, matches what’s left inside.
Save all the bullshit!
All I ever wanted was for you to believe.

Sticks and stones,
bruised my already painful bones.
Hurtful, and numb, remembering your last word.
Dreaming of flying away on the wing of a bird!

All I ever craved, was to just be loved,
for exactly who I am,
nothing more, nothing less.
Crushed, my ambition to prosper,
left all alone, as I digress.

Nice people do not finish last,
they don’t finish at all!
With my song unsung,
my journey will, soon, only be a thing of the past!

Glass Animals – Gooey

I can’t seem to write, lately.  Kick back and chill with some Glass Animals, until I can write something worthy of posting! :)
Wanna take a chance, wanna sip this smooth air, kick it in the sand…………….. :)


We all possess POWER!
Dig deep, it lives within.
When you stumble upon it, you’ll have no doubt.
Get a good grip, before it goes sour.

Accept this gift, today!
Allow your soul to blossom.
The time is now, do not delay.
Proudly put your “MINDFULNESS” on display.

Whatever we do,
wherever we go,
approached from a place of devotion,
can only land you a “Life Promotion.”

An essential spirit resides in each and every one of us.
Ignore it or choose to heal,
unnecessary, to keep running in circles,
causing such a miserable fuss.

It’s your path, your journey.
along the way, you’ll gather knowledge.
Through prayer and meditation,
anything is possible,
once you discard all the unneeded haulage.

We all get lost, feeling tantalized, at times.
No one’s journey is ever flawless,
over and over, we’ll encounter the rugged terrain,
those that give up, will never find solace

Our emotions, we wear upon our sleeves.
To feel them and acknowledge them,
does not make you weak.
You will not crumble like the brittle leaves,
that crunch beneath our weary feet.

In a split second,
lives can be, forever, changed.
We all fall, and we all bleed.
The stage is set, about to beckon.

We each have our own unique story.
Our stories do NOT have to define who we are.
You are your own pilot, you are in control.
YOUR recital can only have, but one shining star!

That shining star is YOU!
May you, forever, shine bright.
Don’t allow the darkness, that we all possess,
to over-power who YOU are.
Life is a battlefield, meant for you to fight!

All the demons we encounter along the way,
stalling and only temporary,
ferociously attempting to steal your soul.
Remember though, you have the power,
you are in control!

Your heart, the devil won’t slay.
You have the power to destroy all evil.
Regardless of how difficult your journey has been,
with all the ups and downs, and an uncertain future,
stay strong, don’t give up.
Soon, everything WILL be okay!

Two T’s In A Pod

Terri, this one’s for you, girl!
I love you!!!!!

You’re a true friend,
One of the best,
We’ve both been to hell and back,
But, we’re both surviving,
And with each other’s help,
Together, we’ll make it all the way to the end.

I am so lucky to have been blessed with so many TRUE friends,
I guess, God knew we would need each other
Both our journey’s, bumpy and rough,
But, together we’ll make it because we’re tough!

We pick each other up,
When the other falls down,
Feeling as if, we can’t do this anymore,
We question God, in our darkest hours
When you hurt, I feel your pain
We still have so much,
yet to explore.

We’ve both endured so many losses,
At times, it really feels unfair
God wasn’t stingy when handing out sickness,
He blessed us both with our fair share,
All the pain and misery, all the diseases,
Two T’s in a pod, now what a pair?!

At one point, we each needed to go our own ways,
In search of finding who we really are
All alone in this cold, dark world,
Our travels brought us right back together,
It was a test,
Our friendship, REAL, not just a phase.

We’ve encountered so many other’s along the way,
People come, and people go,
At times painful, but in the end,
All our true friendships, are here to stay.

God helps us weed out the temporary friends,
Each with a purpose,
When that purpose is fulfilled,
We let them go,
As we’re not meant to make amends.

Knocked down, again,
Will it ever end?
What seems tragic to us,
God says, only makes us stronger for whatever comes next,
All the tears, and all the scars,
Just a part of the journey, in finding Zen!

I know you’re in pain,
And it feels as if it’ll never cease,
If I could, I would take it all away
There’s one thing I know for sure,
One day soon, you’ll feel at PEACE.

In loving memory of your sweet Scruffy!

Conditions – BETTER LIFE



Agitation, anxiety, and panic attacks
a body temperature, unable to regulate
unexpected, consuming me
as I now begin to hyperventilate

Migraine headaches that last for days
nausea accompanied by cramping
abdominal pain sets in, as I begin to bloat
problematic it is, as I struggle to stay afloat

Concentration nearly impossible
feeling as if beaten with a baseball bat
pain and body aches set in
on my back,  laid out flat

My legs like noodles, feeling as if I might collapse
my vision distorted, I begin to hallucinate
how much longer must this go on
several weeks or months, perhaps

Clumsiness and extreme thirst
a pounding heart
unable to sleep
reality at its worst

Morbid thoughts filling my head
my memory impaired
restless, unable to sit still
slowly continuing to go downhill

Unable to move forward in my current condition
I have a tight grip on HOPE
I may be down at the bottom of the hill
but, amazingly enough, I’m managing to cope


I’m  currently going through withdrawals from Clonazepam.  I was recently hospitalized and the doctor that was assigned to me, took me completely off of it in less than a week.  Clonazepam is a “Benzo” and “Benzo’s” are the hardest drugs to get off of, according to my research.  It’s about like trying to get off of heroin.  My primary care doctor was going to give me a tapering off schedule at my next appt. in May and she said it was going to take months because I’ve been on it too long and on a high dose, according to the doctor that originally put me on this poison. This doctor that took me off it so abruptly didn’t even tell me what to expect.  I’ve gone through withdrawals from Narcotics/Opiates and that was no walk in the park and this is 100 times worse.  Don’t ever stop taking any of your medications without first talking to your doctor.  There are a lot of drugs that can safely be stopped cold turkey, but don’t risk it.  These withdrawals can be deadly if not closely monitored.  After getting out of the hospital on March 30th, the withdrawals have been getting worse every day.  I called several doctor’s, including the doctor that treated me in the hospital and his assistant called me back and said that Dr. X said that I wasn’t having withdrawals in the hospital so it must be something else and that I might want to go back to the ER to see if they could stabilize me.  I could not believe that is what he had the nerve to say.  I reported to the nurses on many occasions that I was having several withdrawal symptoms.  I developed a massive migraine.  That was reported to my nurse on the night shift and the morning shift.  Apparently, they don’t record anything you tell them.  I told the night nurse that I was twitching a lot and had just twitched about 30 or more times in about 5 minutes.  Her reply was, “oh, it’s just probably from your medications.”  I was asking her if that was normal.  It was quite obvious that my body temperature was going from freezing to burning up.  I had 5 heavy duty hospital blankets on and my jean jacket because I was that cold and the nurses had to keep adjusting the thermostat in my room.  I was nauseated most of the time and was actually given medication for that.  So, that was in their records for sure.  I became very agitated and had a couple outbursts while I was there.  That was not me.  I’ve not ever acted like that before.  I’ve been having tremors way worse than my usual tremors.  The list goes on…..After I got home from the hospital the withdrawals got so bad, I couldn’t even function.  I couldn’t drive.  I started having panic attacks, of which I’ve never had before.  I called so many doctor’s to help me to get back on it, but not as much and taper from there.  Well, no one could help me, and I called a bunch of doctor’s including that idiot that took me off it so fast.  I was left to figure it out on my own and my withdrawals are getting worse, still.  I have no idea how long this will last.  I really don’t feel comfortable having to do this by myself.  DON’T EVER STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT FIRST TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR.  I didn’t have to go through this.  I expressed my concern about getting me completely off it in that short of time, twice.  The doctor said it would be safe and I was in a hospital so I didn’t need to worry about it.


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