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I Love You To Death

Life is short.
We all grow up, too fast.
Childhood,
not meant to last.

Making the transition
to adulthood,
never easy.
It’s a ride, never breezy.

We can’t wait to grow up.
We want to do anything and everything,
right now,
minus all responsibilities.
Only to be out, from under a mother’s wing.

The love of a mother,
unimaginable, like none other.
I’ll give you my last breath,
as I’m loving you to death.

I gave you life.
I loved you, long before I ever saw you,
and before you took your first breath.
Before I even laid eyes on you, I was loving you to death!

You are my world,
my everything.
I’d go to the end of the world for you,
you haven’t the slightest clue.

The journey of life,
full of obstacles,
for us to overcome.
Along the way, plenty of strife.

I’ve given you everything I have to give.
I’ve done the best, I know how.
I’ll never stop believing in you.
So many days, I long to relive.

I can’t even catch my breath,
between all the never-ending crisis’.
As your mother,
I’m, literally, loving you to death.

I’m not the only one.
Most mother’s have that same “deep love.”
I’m hurting, now.
I’m searching for some answer’s, from up above.

I don’t sleep at night.
I can’t take much more.
My children are my “everything.”
There’s, now, so much at stake.

With so much at stake,
what am I to do?
I really don’t know.
I’m about to break.

Unable to do this by myself.
I’m scared.
I’m alone.
I can only pray, you get a hold of yourself.

I’m running out of breath,
while everyone stands around,
not really doing anything,
as I’m, still, loving you to death.

So cold, outside.
You can see my breath.
My heart, beating out of my chest,
guarding you from the door of death.

Everyone, now, so interested,
in what’s going on.
There’s nothing you can do.
Where were you,
the many night’s, I was awake til dawn?

Struggling to stay strong.
I’m breaking down.
All that’s left,
my sad, sad, song.

Stop asking, “what’s wrong?”
I’ve nothing to say.
Through this, somehow,
I’ll manage to stay strong.

All I feel, now, is grief.
You’re lost and can’t be found.
Being mindful, I concentrate on my breath,
as I love you to death.

Gasping,
I’m about out of breath.
It isn’t easy,
loving you to death.

The situation dire.
You get higher and higher.
You’ll eventually lose your breath.
I’ll still be here,
loving you to death.

Every day, knocking on Heaven’s door.
Getting a little closer.
You’re almost out of breath.
Just around the corner,
the dark, chill, of death.

One day, I’ll inhale deep,
as I take my final breath.
I’ll hold it in and save it for you,
so, one last time, I can love you to death.

Fallen Angel

Doesn’t pay to be kind.
Doesn’t pay to care.
Doesn’t pay to love, love is blind.
You don’t get it, NEVER MIND!

I give.
You take.
What a liar.
So fake!

Nothing lasts, forever!
EVERYTHING ends…..
It’s always dark.
You just pretend.

Knocked down,
every time I stand up.
Throw me in the water.
Let me drown……….

You can’t hurt me.
I am numb……
Everybody knows.
Stop playing dumb!

I’m tired,
of this living hell!
I’m so wired,
inside this empty shell…………

It’s me,
no one ever hears.
Slap me in the face.
I’m all out of tears.

I’m at the end of my rope.
My hands, bloody.
I can’t hold on…………
There is no such thing as hope!

There is no game changer.
It is what it is….
It’s all over, stranger.
Everywhere I turn, DANGER.

You can’t miss something
you never had……
I was the fool.
My bad!

Life is short,
for everyone.
Time is running out.
Your life, too, will one day, abort!

Let me fade………….
away, into oblivion.
It’s time, now.
I’m not afraid.

Turn the last page.
Every story must end.
It’ll be over,
no more rage……………..

This is what happens.
I told you, I’d snap,
and I did it all,
while you were enjoying YOUR nap!

BRAINSTEW

open wounds,
refusing to heal.
The pain, intense.
I no longer have a desire to feel.

It’s 3:00 a.m.
Delirium setting in.
All I really want, is to get up and dance.
I’m wide awake, in a drug induced trance.

My pain, invisible.
I don’t sleep at night.
I’m fading away,
on an endless flight.

Jagged are the edges.
Sharp, is the bite.
My soul, you’ll never steal,
especially tonight!

Resting upon dark circles,
eyes like saucers, unable to close.
In a desperate panic,
I, seriously, must attempt to doze.

A body and mind
unable to shut down.
Going into overdrive,
just to survive.

Difficult to be still.
Poison surging through my veins.
What if I lose my shit?
I most likely will.

Severely, sleep deprived,
flirting with disaster.
Like a zombie, I’ve become,
on the verge of coming undone!

Dark nights,
lonely and long.
Choking on my own survival.
My ego still fights.

Shattered by silence,
in the dark of night.
Trapped inside,
with all the chaos, provoking violence.

Night after night,
without any sleep,
monsters of the night,
dreamily, creep!

On the road of self-destruction.
The night, blindingly, black.
Once you’ve gone so far,
there is, no turning back.

A mind, silent and empty.
Absent are the sheep,
I used to count.
They’re on the outside, now, folded into a heap.

Exhausted and on the brink.
No room for racing thoughts.
Flashing before my eyes,
a million, tiny dots.

The price to be paid,
for just a little relief of pain,
such a possibility
of driving one insane!

What I’d give,
to take back all the “ache.”
I’d do it in a minute,
make no mistake.

Left inside now, an empty brain.
I, safely, sit back,
and watch my life slip away,
as it’s, slowly, going down the drain.

Once down the drain,
left with nothing to feel.
It’s with the devil,
I, now, must deal.

Feeling as if on the outside,
looking in.
Not meant to be recognized,
ever, again.

An existence so dark,
in the light of night.
Under a sky, full of stars,
a cold embrace,
squeezes me, ever so tight.

Day after day.
Night after night.
A colorful cocktail,
white, yellow, red, and blue.
All that’s left, BRAINSTEW!

No More New Year’s Resolutions

Upon us, a new year.  We’ve all been known to make a New Year’s resolution, of which, many we do not achieve.  Setting a New Year’s resolution is like going on a diet.  We all know, diets don’t work, but we’ve all probably declared ourselves on a diet, at one time or another.  When we don’t stick with the diet, we’re ashamed and feel like a fool for making that announcement to everyone we know.

In my opinion, New Year’s resolutions are like diets because we are constantly setting ourselves up to fail, but we do it again, and again, and again, year after year.

After listening to that little voice in my head, harassing me, about what my New Year’s resolution was going to be this year,  I thought long and hard about it and this is what I came up with.

We’ve already established that New Year’s resolutions rarely work, as do diets.  So, after racking my brain, this is the idea I came up with.   We’ve been taught and it’s been proven that diets rarely work because of the deprivation aspect of it.  We have to give up all the foods we love so much, and giving up anything we love so much is really difficult to do.  So, you go ahead and decide you’re going to go on another diet, but this time, you’re really going to do it.  You’re going to show everyone that you CAN and WILL do it.  You get started. You’re really excited and dedicated.  You’ve started exercising, faithfully.  You’ve even lost a few pounds.  Now, you’re really pumped.  You find yourself at parties with all kinds of yummy food and mixed drinks, but you remember you’re on a diet, and you can’t have anything.  You didn’t think  about this before you left.  You didn’t think to bring yourself some healthy snacks,  and this is boring.  You, quietly, sneak out when no one is looking.  Not even so much, as a goodbye to the host.  Bummed out, you drag yourself home.  By the time you get home, you’ve convinced yourself that you can do this and you’re ever so proud of yourself for not giving in.  But, as days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, if you’ve even made it this far, but let’s say you have.  You find yourself kind of isolating because everywhere you go with your friends, there seems to always be food and/or alcohol, and they aren’t serving salad.  You know if you go, you’ll probably give in and have a few drinks, or maybe even a lot of drinks.  Before you know it, you’re brain is telling you it’s hungry and needs some solid food to soak up all that alcohol.  You had a great time.  You wake up the next morning with a raging hang-over, beating yourself up for “failing.”  At this point, some of you will have already announced your “failure” and get back to eating the way you were, before the diet.  Some of you are really driven and tell yourselves, you “messed” up, only this one time, and you’ll start right back on your diet tomorrow.  And, as the story goes, some of you will actually reach your desired weight loss goal.  How do I know all of this, you might ask?  I’ve been there, done that, more than once, I might add.  I’ve been on every diet known to man kind.

What happens after you’ve reached your goal?  You’re not on a diet anymore, because you’ve lost all the weight you wanted to lose.  You can eat anything you want, now, right?   Yep!  You are craving all your favorite foods that you’ve been depriving yourself of for so long. You’re out buying all these new, cool clothes. You feel great!  You’re looking good and you know it!  Then ever so slowly, you can’t even imagine how this could have possibly happened, you gain back all the weight lost, and then some.  Now you’re really a “failure,” probably even a big, fat “failure.”  You’re disgusted with yourself and cannot believe, after all your hard work and deprivation, you now weigh 15 pounds more than you  did  before starting the diet.   You really better get on a diet, again. Up and down, up and down, the scale goes.  Finally, you give up, once and for all, and you, now, find yourself weighing in, 45 pounds heavier than before you started your very first diet.

There are many people who actually do lose weight and keep it off.  They don’t do this by dieting.  At some point, they decided to make permanent and major life style changes.  They decided they were going to incorporate healthy eating and exercise into their daily lives.  They learned how to eat without cutting out all their favorite foods. They exercised to burn fat and to build muscle. They are now able to eat anything they want because they’ve changed their life style.  They’ve learned moderation!  Now, I’m a fine one to be writing about moderation. If you follow my blog very closely, or know me very well, you know that I’m an ALL or NOTHING kind of woman.  Yeah, yeah, practice what you preach.  Relax, already.  I’m working on it.  I’ve been working on it, well over 5 years!  I’m still working on it, and truth be told, I’ll probably always be working on it.  But, I keep working on it with the hope, one day I WILL learn moderation.  I’m a fine one to be writing about diets, too, as I’m sitting here being fed via a feeding tube, with a pump that pushes my food (liquid formula) into my body.

So, anyway………………………………………………………………………..

The point I’m trying to make is that New Year’s resolutions are a lot like diets. It’s a new year and we’re all hyped up and this is going to be a “better” year, you wait and see.  I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that. The cycle repeats itself.  We set more New Year’s resolutions, this year, even though, most of us, never seem to stick with it.  I just used dieting as an example.  Our intentions are real, every time, yet for some reason we just can’t seem to do it!  A few months in, like with dieting, for example, we realize that we’ve already “messed up” our resolutions!   How do we tend to feel about this?  Not very good.  We feel like “failures.”

I’m guilty of everything I’ve written here.  I’ve decided, this year, I’m not announcing any New Year’s resolutions.  I’m not going to set myself up to “fail.”  I’m really good at “failing,” let me tell you.  What I’ve decided to do, is to make a list of my Life Goals.  Life Goals are things I’m committing to working on, my entire life time, if that’s what it takes.  My Life Goals are reasonable, things I can actually achieve.  I didn’t say anything about them being easy because if they were so easy, I wouldn’t have any Life Goals to work on, now would I?   It won’t be any time soon that I’ll have achieved ALL of my Life Goals, but I’ll keep working on them and adding to the list, as I do achieve each goal. I’ve set no deadlines.    There’s no pressure.  I simply cannot fail.  Next year, at this same time, I won’t be sitting here referring to myself as a “failure” because I’m still struggling with “moderation.”  No shame.  No guilt.  Some days will be “better” than other’s, but I’ve got a life time to work on my Life Goals.  As long as I wake up every day and make even the slightest effort at working on my realistic and achievable Life Goals, I cannot fail!

EFFORT = SUCCESS! :)

Good Enough

This is the last day of a year,
rugged and rough.
Smiles, few and far between.
A year that shed many a tear!

We did this.
We did that.
We’ve done it all before.
I can’t help, but to say,
I want to do it some more.

With you by my side,
we always made it through,
the most difficult of times.
Goodbye 2015, it’s been one hell of a ride!

Hello, New Year!
We’ll call you, 2016.
We’re going to leap right in,
leaving behind all the unnecessary fear.

We’re gonna leave it all behind.
Never gonna have to go there, again.
Never ever, no more!
We have  all the scars,  always there to remind!

Through all the dark days,
we’re gonna walk away,
never to look back.
It made us stronger, who we are today.

I couldn’t have done it without you,
you made me your queen.
Your’e my everything.
You’re my nothing,
and everything in between.

We were meant to be.
We’ve been riding the storm out,
for way too long.
What didn’t kill us, truly made us strong!

You and me, baby!
The best is, yet, to come.
Together, through all the weather, we’ll walk hand in hand,
and one day, we’ll happen upon the Promised Land!

Me and you, together,
the sun and the moon.
Up ahead in the distance, more good times, than bad.
With heavy hearts,  we’ve stumbled upon a lot of  “sad.”

We’ve surfed tidal waves, high above our heads,
and splashing in our faces.
Together we’ll move ahead,
through all the unknown spaces.

Baby, it’s with you by my side,
you never let me down.
always there to hold me up,
never allowing me to drown.

No one or anything,
will ever tear us apart.
Wherever you are, wherever you go,
you’ll always, and forever, hold a place in my heart!

Let’s end this year, together.
Knowing where we’ve been,
uncertain, as to where we’re headed,
upon the wing of a feather.

We’ll sail on.
No sea, too rough.
You and me,
together, WE’RE GOOD ENOUGH!

Doesn’t get any better than that.
Like 2 fish, in a fish bowl,
swimming side by side.
Never alone, united, we’ve become one soul.

Doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does.
We’ve already called their bluff.
All that really matters, is that we know, together,
WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

We’ve nothing to prove.
Together, we know, we’re smooth.
Welcome 2016, and all you’ve, yet, to bring.
It’s our song, we’ll continue to sing!

We swam through “rough.”
We weathered, “tough.”
Still side by side,
We’ll always be GOOD ENOUGH!

Always there to lift me up,
when I think I can’t bear anymore.
With your strong embrace,
you comfort me, wiping away the tears as they land upon my face.

We’re GOOD ENOUGH……
GOOD ENOUGH………….
We’re armed and ready
to take on all the new, and unknown “stuff.”

You and me,
forever………………
together, through whatever life brings.
It’ll be what it’ll be.
In the end, we’ll become one, and in with the sea.

You’re GOOD ENOUGH!
I’m GOOD ENOUGH!
Life’s GOOD ENOUGH!
At times, it may be rough,
but it really doesn’t matter,
because WE’RE GOOD ENOUGH!

Two hearts, beating as one,
a love song, so strong.
It’s in your arms,
I know, I belong!

We’ve been to hell and back.
We’ve seen the bottom of the deep, dark hole!
We’ve risen above,
all that, once, was black!

You are my Captain,
when we’re lost at sea.
You will always be my rock,
keeping me grounded,  always guiding me.

We’ve already survived, a living hell, so rough.
Better days, lie ahead
because you and me, baby,
together, WE’RE GOOD ENOUGH!

Cheers to you!
Without you, there wouldn’t be ME.
I love you more, with each passing day.
For many more tomorrows, together, I pray.

Goodbye 2015!
Along the way, even with all the slick patches,
it wasn’t all bad.
Together, this New Year’s Eve,
we’ll begin to unlock all the, once, forbidden latches.

Will You Remember Me?

Life is never easy,
but I do the best I can.
I make it up as I go along,
singing my own song.

I wish to rise above,
and leave all the pain behind.
The scars I wear,
always there to remind.

I must keep searching for the stars.
They seem so far out of reach.
Underneath all the clothes,
we all wear some ugly scars.

My existence, at times, unjust.
Memories and reality,
rarely one in the same.
Difficult to differentiate through all the unsettled dust.

Sometimes I feel lost,
in a universe so vast.
I must move forward,
leaving behind yesterday’s passed.

With everything I’ve done,
and everywhere I’ve been,
I can’t help, but to think
about what might have been.

All of my baggage,
to be left behind,
will enhance my awareness
of all that is kind.

My existence will one day matter.
I’ll find my purpose.
I’ll rid myself
of all the negative, internal chatter.

My journey, thus far,
a part of the master plan.
All life’s trials and tribulations,
making me who I am.

The world is, but a stage.
We’re all a part of the cast.
We’re all connected.
Life, too short to dwell on the past.

Everyday’s a battle,
like a soldier at war.
I must fight to keep the peace,
to even the score.

I may be sick,
yet, I still feel hope.
I’m not really sure,
how I  manage to cope.

I cannot control my thoughts,
but I control what I do with them.
Some, best left inside.
So many, I cannot hide.

I know I serve a purpose.
I will not die in vain.
Long after I’m gone,
will you remember my name?

Each day when I open my eyes,
I’m well aware,
I’m one step closer
to meeting my own demise.

Every day I struggle.
I look.
I listen.
There are no instructions tucked safely inside a book.

I fall.
I get back up.
I run. I crawl.
I read the writing on the wall.

When my work here is done,
and long after I’m gone,
I hope you won’t forget me,
but know that I am free.

Will I have made a difference?
Will I have touched a life?
Will I have done something worthwhile?
Will you remember my smile?

I want to have inspired you.
I want to leave my footprints in the sand.
I want to know that place of peace,
where we all walk hand in hand.

My Disease

Another rough night.
Will I ever catch a break?
I sliver across the floor,
like a venomous snake.

So tired, so little sleep.
A nasty “Super Bug,”
invading my space.
I’m afraid, this time, I’m in way too deep!

Surgery fourteen, under my belt.
Number fifteen will be scheduled soon.
Every night before I sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.

I believe, I’ve swallowed
more than my fair share.
Why is it,
that life has to be so unfair?

I don’t dare make plans,
as I’m sure I’ll let you down.
Already invisible to quite a few.
If you have to even to wonder, it’s probably you!

I wouldn’t wish my existence upon anyone.
I just wish I could make you understand.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
All I need is a helping hand.

Don’t even bother calling me,
as you already know, I’m sick.
I still have my mind.
I’m just a little behind!

My body may be broken,
but my spirit’s very much alive.
It’s been so long,
since we’ve last spoken.

I can still communicate.
My heart, it still beats!
I have two eyes that still see.
Why are you avoiding me?

Inside out,
and upside down,
most days I feel,
Id rather drown.

A picture frame,
around the hole in the wall.
It’s been so long,
I don’t remember your name.

There are no more white picket fences.
No gardens out back.
All the, once pretty, flowers,
are, now, all black!

Deep inside,
all I feel is pain.
Burning, as my spirit melts.
It pours from the sky, like acid rain.

The sun no longer shines.
No moon to light the night.
Deep within, the enemy rages on,
always provoking such a viscous fight.

I’ve been paying the price
for way too long.
But, left inside me,
there’s another song!

I see my shadow,
as it dances down the hall.
I am the music,
vibrating off the wall!

Always striving to please.
I give, you take.
You are sick!
You’re my disease!

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
Kick me, again,
if you absolutely must!

PINK!!!! ME & BOBBY MCGEE


This is one of the BEST songs, EVER!!!! Originally by Janis Joplin
Nicely done, PINK!

Night Terror

With my eyes closed, I try to sleep.
Pins and needles, stabbing as they begin their dance
upon my bare and itching arms.
Moving quickly to include my legs,
atop my skin, like “bugs,” they begin to prance!

“Creeping” and “digging,”
severe is the burn!
Complicated and complex, maybe I am,
but where in the hell is there any concern?

Keeping me awake all night,
as everyone else around me dreams.
Ice packs, ointments, and different pills,
not enough to silence my screams!

Thrashing about,
now my neck is out!
why is this happening?
This is not “normal,”
I have no doubt.

My doctor’s clueless, telling me how sorry they are.
With no answers to offer,
I’m sent on my way.
Leaving me with yet, another invisible scar.

It’s happening more often now.
Almost nightly, it comes on fast.
Spreading like “wild fire,”
as I’m being harassed!

Almost 7 hours of this hell,
last night………..
There is no relief.
I’m left in utter disbelief!

What I’m experiencing,
indescribable, really.
Feeling as if on fire,
I can’t keep doing this.
The alternative, dire!

My EMG, normal,
or so I’m told.
No nerve damage, no neuropathy.
Once again, all alone and left out in the cold.

I know I’m not the only one with this affliction.
I wish someone would read this and bring me some hope.
I don’t know where else to turn.
I’m afraid of what I might do if I’m left with this friction.

The slightest itch makes my anxiety soar.
I try to be mindful and to keep calm.
I meditate,
but last night I was too late!

Meditation impossible?
What am I to do?
I can’t sit still,
and neither could you!

Out of desperation, more medication I take.
I know of nothing else to do.
When all of my efforts fail,
I tend to derail!

How many doctor’s must I attain?
Primary care, GI, neurologist, opthamologist, OB/GYN,
urologist, cardiologist, hematologist, orthopedist, pulmonologist,
rheumatologist, psychologist, ENT, and dentist, too.
No pun intended, but what a pain!

What’s left?
Where do I go from here?
As nightfall is imminent,
I begin to fear!

The anxiety building,
I feel it in my chest.
To stay upon the path,
I’m doing my best……………..

Please help!

I Am The Doormat

You wanted it, I gave.
You needed it, it was yours for the taking.
I believed in you.
My heart, now aching.

What I had to give,
and everything you took,
may not have been much, but it was mine!
One day I’ll be gone, and you’ll all be fine.

How selfish of you.
You’ve even gone as far as to steal my already dying soul.
Stripping me of anything and everything I’ve ever had.
Life for me, a short-lived fad.

Knock me down,
stomp on me, just a little more.
Finish me off,
to even the score.

Go ahead and stick that dagger of yours,
straight into my barely, beating heart.
Chew me up, and spit me out.
Finish me off, so I can depart!

I’ve been losing, forever.
I give up, you win!
I can no longer fight,
I no longer feel your vicious bite!

I am the doormat that you step on every day.
Never complaining,
I allowed you to smear the blood, upon the bottom of your shoes, all over my invisible face.
Your foot print, permanently, staining

You wonder why, I’m not okay.
I used to have feelings until you took them away.
I’m now so numb.
Nothing left inside for you to prey.

I gave and gave.
All you ever did was take.
Soon, I’ll be gone.
I can’t take ALL the “fake!”

No longer will you be taking advantage of me.
Drained of my very last drop of blood,
I’m now drowning in my own tears.
All my fears, drifting away in the raging, red flood.

For way too long, you’ve hushed my almost silent cries.
Behind closed doors, smothering me.
You can, now, leave me the fuck alone,
so I can soar to my, forever, home!

You may have broken my wings.
You may have silenced me,
and kicked me around,
but deep within, my heart still sings!

My body may be battered.
My body may be bruised.
My soul no longer visible, look deep into my eyes.
Ever fiber of my being, destroyed and abused.

Taking away my right to die in peace.
Down on the floor,
all bloody and beat.
Thank you all,
for making me feel so fucking incomplete!

You didn’t have to rob me.
I trusted. I believed.
Raped of my independence.
Now, left with nothing, set me free!

Barely able to move,
the pain so intense.
You ask what’s wrong,
then jump to YOUR own defense!

Picked apart, piece by piece.
Skinning me alive!
Now, all that’s left
is that sweet release!

No need for you to freak!
You’ve always gotten everything you ever wanted.
I’m unable to even whisper what it is I need.
You’ve taken my voice, no longer able to speak.

For I am the doormat, always beneath your feet,
the feet that I’ve been kicked with for way too long.
Left with nothing, and ever so weak.
So out of place, I no longer belong.

I wear my scars upon my sleeve.
What you now see, matches what’s left inside.
Save all the bullshit!
All I ever wanted was for you to believe.

Sticks and stones,
bruised my already painful bones.
Hurtful, and numb, remembering your last word.
Dreaming of flying away on the wing of a bird!

All I ever craved, was to just be loved,
for exactly who I am,
nothing more, nothing less.
Crushed, my ambition to prosper,
left all alone, as I digress.

Nice people do not finish last,
they don’t finish at all!
With my song unsung,
my journey will, soon, only be a thing of the past!

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