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Night Terror

With my eyes closed, I try to sleep.
Pins and needles, stabbing as they begin their dance
upon my bare and itching arms.
Moving quickly to include my legs,
atop my skin, like “bugs,” they begin to prance!

“Creeping” and “digging,”
severe is the burn!
Complicated and complex, maybe I am,
but where in the hell is there any concern?

Keeping me awake all night,
as everyone else around me dreams.
Ice packs, ointments, and different pills,
not enough to silence my screams!

Thrashing about,
now my neck is out!
why is this happening?
This is not “normal,”
I have no doubt.

My doctor’s clueless, telling me how sorry they are.
With no answers to offer,
I’m sent on my way.
Leaving me with yet, another invisible scar.

It’s happening more often now.
Almost nightly, it comes on fast.
Spreading like “wild fire,”
as I’m being harassed!

Almost 7 hours of this hell,
last night………..
There is no relief.
I’m left in utter disbelief!

What I’m experiencing,
indescribable, really.
Feeling as if on fire,
I can’t keep doing this.
The alternative, dire!

My EMG, normal,
or so I’m told.
No nerve damage, no neuropathy.
Once again, all alone and left out in the cold.

I know I’m not the only one with this affliction.
I wish someone would read this and bring me some hope.
I don’t know where else to turn.
I’m afraid of what I might do if I’m left with this friction.

The slightest itch makes my anxiety soar.
I try to be mindful and to keep calm.
I meditate,
but last night I was too late!

Meditation impossible?
What am I to do?
I can’t sit still,
and neither could you!

Out of desperation, more medication I take.
I know of nothing else to do.
When all of my efforts fail,
I tend to derail!

How many doctor’s must I attain?
Primary care, GI, neurologist, opthamologist, OB/GYN,
urologist, cardiologist, hematologist, orthopedist, pulmonologist,
rheumatologist, psychologist, ENT, and dentist, too.
No pun intended, but what a pain!

What’s left?
Where do I go from here?
As nightfall is imminent,
I begin to fear!

The anxiety building,
I feel it in my chest.
To stay upon the path,
I’m doing my best……………..

Please help!

I Am The Doormat

You wanted it, I gave.
You needed it, it was yours for the taking.
I believed in you.
My heart, now aching.

What I had to give,
and everything you took,
may not have been much, but it was mine!
One day I’ll be gone, and you’ll all be fine.

How selfish of you.
You’ve even gone as far as to steal my already dying soul.
Stripping me of anything and everything I’ve ever had.
Life for me, a short-lived fad.

Knock me down,
stomp on me, just a little more.
Finish me off,
to even the score.

Go ahead and stick that dagger of yours,
straight into my barely, beating heart.
Chew me up, and spit me out.
Finish me off, so I can depart!

I’ve been losing, forever.
I give up, you win!
I can no longer fight,
I no longer feel your vicious bite!

I am the doormat that you step on every day.
Never complaining,
I allowed you to smear the blood, upon the bottom of your shoes, all over my invisible face.
Your foot print, permanently, staining

You wonder why, I’m not okay.
I used to have feelings until you took them away.
I’m now so numb.
Nothing left inside for you to prey.

I gave and gave.
All you ever did was take.
Soon, I’ll be gone.
I can’t take ALL the “fake!”

No longer will you be taking advantage of me.
Drained of my very last drop of blood,
I’m now drowning in my own tears.
All my fears, drifting away in the raging, red flood.

For way too long, you’ve hushed my almost silent cries.
Behind closed doors, smothering me.
You can, now, leave me the fuck alone,
so I can soar to my, forever, home!

You may have broken my wings.
You may have silenced me,
and kicked me around,
but deep within, my heart still sings!

My body may be battered.
My body may be bruised.
My soul no longer visible, look deep into my eyes.
Ever fiber of my being, destroyed and abused.

Taking away my right to die in peace.
Down on the floor,
all bloody and beat.
Thank you all,
for making me feel so fucking incomplete!

You didn’t have to rob me.
I trusted. I believed.
Raped of my independence.
Now, left with nothing, set me free!

Barely able to move,
the pain so intense.
You ask what’s wrong,
then jump to YOUR own defense!

Picked apart, piece by piece.
Skinning me alive!
Now, all that’s left
is that sweet release!

No need for you to freak!
You’ve always gotten everything you ever wanted.
I’m unable to even whisper what it is I need.
You’ve taken my voice, no longer able to speak.

For I am the doormat, always beneath your feet,
the feet that I’ve been kicked with for way too long.
Left with nothing, and ever so weak.
So out of place, I no longer belong.

I wear my scars upon my sleeve.
What you now see, matches what’s left inside.
Save all the bullshit!
All I ever wanted was for you to believe.

Sticks and stones,
bruised my already painful bones.
Hurtful, and numb, remembering your last word.
Dreaming of flying away on the wing of a bird!

All I ever craved, was to just be loved,
for exactly who I am,
nothing more, nothing less.
Crushed, my ambition to prosper,
left all alone, as I digress.

Nice people do not finish last,
they don’t finish at all!
With my song unsung,
my journey will, soon, only be a thing of the past!

Glass Animals – Gooey

I can’t seem to write, lately.  Kick back and chill with some Glass Animals, until I can write something worthy of posting! :)
Wanna take a chance, wanna sip this smooth air, kick it in the sand…………….. :)

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

We all possess POWER!
Dig deep, it lives within.
When you stumble upon it, you’ll have no doubt.
Get a good grip, before it goes sour.

Accept this gift, today!
Allow your soul to blossom.
The time is now, do not delay.
Proudly put your “MINDFULNESS” on display.

Whatever we do,
wherever we go,
approached from a place of devotion,
can only land you a “Life Promotion.”

An essential spirit resides in each and every one of us.
Ignore it or choose to heal,
unnecessary, to keep running in circles,
causing such a miserable fuss.

It’s your path, your journey.
along the way, you’ll gather knowledge.
Through prayer and meditation,
anything is possible,
once you discard all the unneeded haulage.

We all get lost, feeling tantalized, at times.
No one’s journey is ever flawless,
over and over, we’ll encounter the rugged terrain,
those that give up, will never find solace

Our emotions, we wear upon our sleeves.
To feel them and acknowledge them,
does not make you weak.
You will not crumble like the brittle leaves,
that crunch beneath our weary feet.

In a split second,
lives can be, forever, changed.
We all fall, and we all bleed.
The stage is set, about to beckon.

We each have our own unique story.
Our stories do NOT have to define who we are.
You are your own pilot, you are in control.
YOUR recital can only have, but one shining star!

That shining star is YOU!
May you, forever, shine bright.
Don’t allow the darkness, that we all possess,
to over-power who YOU are.
Life is a battlefield, meant for you to fight!

All the demons we encounter along the way,
stalling and only temporary,
ferociously attempting to steal your soul.
Remember though, you have the power,
you are in control!

Your heart, the devil won’t slay.
You have the power to destroy all evil.
Regardless of how difficult your journey has been,
with all the ups and downs, and an uncertain future,
stay strong, don’t give up.
Soon, everything WILL be okay!

Two T’s In A Pod

Terri, this one’s for you, girl!
I love you!!!!!

You’re a true friend,
One of the best,
We’ve both been to hell and back,
But, we’re both surviving,
And with each other’s help,
Together, we’ll make it all the way to the end.

I am so lucky to have been blessed with so many TRUE friends,
I guess, God knew we would need each other
Both our journey’s, bumpy and rough,
But, together we’ll make it because we’re tough!

We pick each other up,
When the other falls down,
Feeling as if, we can’t do this anymore,
We question God, in our darkest hours
When you hurt, I feel your pain
We still have so much,
yet to explore.

We’ve both endured so many losses,
At times, it really feels unfair
God wasn’t stingy when handing out sickness,
He blessed us both with our fair share,
All the pain and misery, all the diseases,
Two T’s in a pod, now what a pair?!

At one point, we each needed to go our own ways,
In search of finding who we really are
All alone in this cold, dark world,
Our travels brought us right back together,
It was a test,
Our friendship, REAL, not just a phase.

We’ve encountered so many other’s along the way,
People come, and people go,
At times painful, but in the end,
All our true friendships, are here to stay.

God helps us weed out the temporary friends,
Each with a purpose,
When that purpose is fulfilled,
We let them go,
As we’re not meant to make amends.

Knocked down, again,
Will it ever end?
What seems tragic to us,
God says, only makes us stronger for whatever comes next,
All the tears, and all the scars,
Just a part of the journey, in finding Zen!

I know you’re in pain,
And it feels as if it’ll never cease,
If I could, I would take it all away
There’s one thing I know for sure,
One day soon, you’ll feel at PEACE.

In loving memory of your sweet Scruffy!

Conditions – BETTER LIFE

DON’T GIVE UP! LIFE WILL GET BETTER!!!!!

Withdrawals

Agitation, anxiety, and panic attacks
a body temperature, unable to regulate
unexpected, consuming me
as I now begin to hyperventilate

Migraine headaches that last for days
nausea accompanied by cramping
abdominal pain sets in, as I begin to bloat
problematic it is, as I struggle to stay afloat

Concentration nearly impossible
feeling as if beaten with a baseball bat
pain and body aches set in
on my back,  laid out flat

My legs like noodles, feeling as if I might collapse
my vision distorted, I begin to hallucinate
how much longer must this go on
several weeks or months, perhaps

Clumsiness and extreme thirst
a pounding heart
unable to sleep
reality at its worst

Morbid thoughts filling my head
my memory impaired
restless, unable to sit still
slowly continuing to go downhill

Unable to move forward in my current condition
I have a tight grip on HOPE
I may be down at the bottom of the hill
but, amazingly enough, I’m managing to cope

 

I’m  currently going through withdrawals from Clonazepam.  I was recently hospitalized and the doctor that was assigned to me, took me completely off of it in less than a week.  Clonazepam is a “Benzo” and “Benzo’s” are the hardest drugs to get off of, according to my research.  It’s about like trying to get off of heroin.  My primary care doctor was going to give me a tapering off schedule at my next appt. in May and she said it was going to take months because I’ve been on it too long and on a high dose, according to the doctor that originally put me on this poison. This doctor that took me off it so abruptly didn’t even tell me what to expect.  I’ve gone through withdrawals from Narcotics/Opiates and that was no walk in the park and this is 100 times worse.  Don’t ever stop taking any of your medications without first talking to your doctor.  There are a lot of drugs that can safely be stopped cold turkey, but don’t risk it.  These withdrawals can be deadly if not closely monitored.  After getting out of the hospital on March 30th, the withdrawals have been getting worse every day.  I called several doctor’s, including the doctor that treated me in the hospital and his assistant called me back and said that Dr. X said that I wasn’t having withdrawals in the hospital so it must be something else and that I might want to go back to the ER to see if they could stabilize me.  I could not believe that is what he had the nerve to say.  I reported to the nurses on many occasions that I was having several withdrawal symptoms.  I developed a massive migraine.  That was reported to my nurse on the night shift and the morning shift.  Apparently, they don’t record anything you tell them.  I told the night nurse that I was twitching a lot and had just twitched about 30 or more times in about 5 minutes.  Her reply was, “oh, it’s just probably from your medications.”  I was asking her if that was normal.  It was quite obvious that my body temperature was going from freezing to burning up.  I had 5 heavy duty hospital blankets on and my jean jacket because I was that cold and the nurses had to keep adjusting the thermostat in my room.  I was nauseated most of the time and was actually given medication for that.  So, that was in their records for sure.  I became very agitated and had a couple outbursts while I was there.  That was not me.  I’ve not ever acted like that before.  I’ve been having tremors way worse than my usual tremors.  The list goes on…..After I got home from the hospital the withdrawals got so bad, I couldn’t even function.  I couldn’t drive.  I started having panic attacks, of which I’ve never had before.  I called so many doctor’s to help me to get back on it, but not as much and taper from there.  Well, no one could help me, and I called a bunch of doctor’s including that idiot that took me off it so fast.  I was left to figure it out on my own and my withdrawals are getting worse, still.  I have no idea how long this will last.  I really don’t feel comfortable having to do this by myself.  DON’T EVER STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT FIRST TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR.  I didn’t have to go through this.  I expressed my concern about getting me completely off it in that short of time, twice.  The doctor said it would be safe and I was in a hospital so I didn’t need to worry about it.

Mental Illness (as I understand it)

I am now out of the hospital. I wrote this from my bed, while in the hospital

The stigma attached to mental illness needs to be unattached, ALREADY!
Mental illnesses are brought on by different parts of the brain being impaired. The chemicals in our brains may become imbalanced and may be regulated with medication. This imbalance affects our behavior and emotions. You have no control over whether you will develop a mental illness or not. Mental illness affects “all walks of life.” Having a problem in our brain is no different than having a medical condition, such as gastroparesis. The brain is just another body part, but people react differently if you say you have a major depressive disorder, than they do if you say you have gastroparesis. It’s almost like they are afraid of us. We are not crazy, insane, or a harm to others in most cases. There are people whom haven’t been diagnosed with a mental health problem that are a harm to others, and or themselves. Most mental health diagnoses are well controlled with different types of treatment, for example: medication and psycho therapy. And, no psycho therapy does not mean you are psycho.

There are a wide range of mental health conditions. Just to name a few: generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, ADHD, PTSD, eating disorders, schizophrenia, OCD, bipolar disorder, and many more. Mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. We may not have control over whether we develop a mental illness or not, but we do have control over whether we seek help or not. Mental illness can make you feel very miserable and you don’t have to feel that way with the many different treatment options available today. Some people talk to their primary care physicians, first. Their primary care physician will most likely recommend you see a doctor that specializes in the brain and disorders of the brain, such as a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist and psychologist are basically the same, except a psychiatrist can prescribe medications, where a psychologist cannot, yet. I read somewhere, that might be changing in the very near future.

The doctor you choose will then begin gathering information about you, and about your life history, in order to give you a diagnosis(es). This process takes time. Once you have your diagnosis(es), your doctor and you will come up with a treatment plan that will best suit your needs. There are many treatment options, just to name a few: medication, therapy of some sort (individual, cognitive behavioral, group, family, DBT, and many more). But, before any of this can happen, you must first recognize that you have a problem. Almost everyone experiences symptoms of a mental health disorder at some point in their lives. When those symptoms are acute, meaning short lived, you do not have a mental illness. It’s when the symptoms persist for months (chronic) and are making your life miserable. You may be isolating yourself from loved ones and friends, you may be feeling the “blues”, you may be crying a lot, unable to regulate your emotions, you may become easily agitated over things that most people don’t become agitated about, you may lose interest in activities and things you once enjoyed, you may worry excessively, you may not be sleeping well or sleeping very little or maybe too much, you may feel hopeless, you may feel helpless, you may have suicidal ideation (thoughts about suicide), etc. If you don’t feel like you will be compatible with your therapist, find another one. Don’t give up. You may have to go to more than one to find the one that meets your needs. The doctor you choose may, also feel like they will not be compatible with you. Sometimes you may have a condition that your therapist may not specialize in and may refer you to someone they believe will be better able to meet your needs. It works both ways. You need to choose one that you trust 100%. You must be totally honest in order to get the help you need. If you hide information or leave out important issues, you will be wasting your time and money. They can’t possibly help you if you are only telling half the story. It helps if you like the person as an individual, as well. I believe you should have a good feeling about your therapist by the 3rd session, or move on. You must remember that you are total strangers and need time to get acquainted.

If you know someone that you believe is showing signs and symptoms of mental illness, approach them and tell them your concerns. Be supportive and offer encouragement. The rest is up to them. You cannot force someone to go see a doctor.

You are at a higher risk of developing or being born with a mental illness if you have a biological relative with a mental illness. You may inherit the gene for that mental illness. You may be exposed to enviornmental factors before you are even born (still in the womb). Trauma or other life situations may trigger a mental illness(es).

Once again, to be diagnosed with a mental illness(es) is nothing to be ashamed of. People need to educate themselves before judging someone with mental illness(es). I am mentally ill, myself. I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, ADHD, and PTSD, so what about it?!!!!!!! Ironically, I wrote this from my hospital bed, in the Behavioral Health Unit. To make light of it, I like to refer to it as the Nut House. :) I actually have 3 therapists because I’ve also, been blessed with many other disease processes, which are referred to as medical conditions as opposed to mental health conditions. It takes 3 to keep me under control! :) Call it what you will, they are all diseases that reside within the human body.

Darkness

As the darkness surrounds me
there’s no longer a glimmer of hope
with all the diagnoses, procedures, and surgeries
I’m no longer able to cope

I trip and I fall
it’s down here on the floor
I would prefer to stay
there’s no longer even a reason for me to kneel and pray

My body may still exist,
but if you look deep into my eyes
you’ll see that I’m not there, for I have already gone
all that’s left are my silent cries

I’ve spent almost my entire life
just trying to hold on
so tired now
I can no longer even yawn

Just because I’m breathing
doesn’t mean that I’m alive
my heart still beats,
but I no longer thrive

I sit alone with all my fears
no one sees me, no one cares
no one hears me
as I’m drowning in my tears

I can’t do this anymore
it’s never-ending
let’s stop all the bullshit
and all the pretending

My body is my prison
I hate this fucking place
unable to escape
it’s this fucked up life, I want to erase

I am not lazy
nor am I crazy
You don’t have the slightest clue
as to all the shit I’ve been through

This is what it’s like to be chronically ill
everyday, feeling helpless and hopeless
knowing that there is no “better”
you have no idea as to how this makes me feel

I can’t have something that was not meant for me
this is now my reality
just like the butterfly
I want to fly to where I”m free

If you could see Fibromyalgia

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